Fear of love? (and interracial relationships)
Not me, of course. I have pretty much always been in love with love. Love didn't always love me, but that didn't change my mind. No, what I'm talking about is my Black American community. I was reading this article on being a college educated and single black woman. It's a story that I find sad by a woman that claims she is comfortable with her position. She also says that she fears it may be permanent, two statements that seem to be contradictory. I was telling my husband about it and he says it's the whole black community. All you have to do is look on Facebook or Twitter to see how most black people feel about relationships. It wasn't always this way, was it? What happened to our sense of romance and need to be closer to another human being? I have several ideas and opinions (don't I always?). I will offer what I think is women's problem and ask my husband for his point of view.
From what I've observed in personal relationships with single black women and black media (music, movies, books), there is a pandemic fear of dependence. For starters, women don't want to be let down. We've been fed theories that men "ain't shit" and will most definitely let you down. This can come from personal experience (paternal abandonment) or just the opposite (your parents have an awesome relationship and you're looking for the carbon copy even though you are neither one of your parents, and neither is anyone else for that matter). You find someone that you tentatively decide to date and then break it off when you realize you don't agree with everything they believe in. So you back out before putting too much emotions into the relationship. Problem with all that is, you can't get anything out of a relationship unless you are emotionally invested. If you have nothing to lose, then there is no reason for you to try to make it work and you'll never know if it would have. And the stigma that has been put on "dependence" is crippling our ability to let our guards down. Women are taught to believe that if they want a man they are needy and to be pitied. The truth of the matter, though, is that humans are hard-wired to need companionship. Romance is something that was invented, but it probably helps relationships last longer. My point? Wanting to be with someone that you like to be around and that likes to be around you is not pitiful or needy. It's natural.
My husband says that people are also afraid of losing themselves in the other person. Not really in a dependent way, but losing the ability to have all the singles fun that they're used to having. I did lots of "single" stuff when I was single, but I always knew that I would want to be with someone to do "double" stuff with. And it's not that hard to find someone that's into the same things as you. My husband and I both play video games, watch anime, and love malls. Are we exactly alike? No. I like practically every genre of music while his comfort zone is a bit smaller. I love the outdoors, wanting to do things like camping, hiking, horseback riding. He is a pure city boy. We disagree on what should be taken on a camping trip. Nigel wants a generator so he can play Xbox. I would prefer that we rubbed two sticks together to make a fire (but bring matches as back ups). But enough about me. What I'm trying to say is you don't have to agree on everything or have everything in common. It's still a good idea to have your own friends and go out with them without your significant other. It's probably not a good idea to go out and try to pick up other women (or men), unless you're in that type of relationship, in which case, good on you. But, seriously, find someone that you're attracted to, makes you laugh (for both genders), has your most important values in common with you, and respects you as an individual. Everything else in the relationship is chemistry and compromise.
Another thing in the article that I read that was mention as a possible reason why educated black women are largely single when compared to white women is the fact that black women in college outnumber black men almost two to one. The statistic is almost the same among white people, but why should this matter is my question. I have said, in private conversations, that black women are maybe one of the least likely to date outside their race. But why is that the case? Have we been brainwashed by our families that it can never work? Is it our media that tells us that we are sell-outs if we switch over? Or is it the men of other races that are intimidated by us? Do they think that they don't have a chance so they never even try to pursue a relationship? I don't think women are usually the aggressors in starting a relationship, but maybe we're sending signals that that door isn't even cracked open. One of the directors at my job is an educated, successful black woman that I recently found out is married to a white man. It didn't change my opinion of her at all, but we live in Colorado and interracial marriages are commonplace and, from what I've seen, accepted without any real notice. When will the rest of America get with the program and stop seeing black women as belong with black men and vice versa across the board. Black women should look for love wherever it presents itself. I know it's a bit presumptuous of myself to think I can tell people where they should set their boundaries, but, seriously, take an honest look at yourself and make sure you aren't holding you back.
From what I've observed in personal relationships with single black women and black media (music, movies, books), there is a pandemic fear of dependence. For starters, women don't want to be let down. We've been fed theories that men "ain't shit" and will most definitely let you down. This can come from personal experience (paternal abandonment) or just the opposite (your parents have an awesome relationship and you're looking for the carbon copy even though you are neither one of your parents, and neither is anyone else for that matter). You find someone that you tentatively decide to date and then break it off when you realize you don't agree with everything they believe in. So you back out before putting too much emotions into the relationship. Problem with all that is, you can't get anything out of a relationship unless you are emotionally invested. If you have nothing to lose, then there is no reason for you to try to make it work and you'll never know if it would have. And the stigma that has been put on "dependence" is crippling our ability to let our guards down. Women are taught to believe that if they want a man they are needy and to be pitied. The truth of the matter, though, is that humans are hard-wired to need companionship. Romance is something that was invented, but it probably helps relationships last longer. My point? Wanting to be with someone that you like to be around and that likes to be around you is not pitiful or needy. It's natural.
My husband says that people are also afraid of losing themselves in the other person. Not really in a dependent way, but losing the ability to have all the singles fun that they're used to having. I did lots of "single" stuff when I was single, but I always knew that I would want to be with someone to do "double" stuff with. And it's not that hard to find someone that's into the same things as you. My husband and I both play video games, watch anime, and love malls. Are we exactly alike? No. I like practically every genre of music while his comfort zone is a bit smaller. I love the outdoors, wanting to do things like camping, hiking, horseback riding. He is a pure city boy. We disagree on what should be taken on a camping trip. Nigel wants a generator so he can play Xbox. I would prefer that we rubbed two sticks together to make a fire (but bring matches as back ups). But enough about me. What I'm trying to say is you don't have to agree on everything or have everything in common. It's still a good idea to have your own friends and go out with them without your significant other. It's probably not a good idea to go out and try to pick up other women (or men), unless you're in that type of relationship, in which case, good on you. But, seriously, find someone that you're attracted to, makes you laugh (for both genders), has your most important values in common with you, and respects you as an individual. Everything else in the relationship is chemistry and compromise.
Another thing in the article that I read that was mention as a possible reason why educated black women are largely single when compared to white women is the fact that black women in college outnumber black men almost two to one. The statistic is almost the same among white people, but why should this matter is my question. I have said, in private conversations, that black women are maybe one of the least likely to date outside their race. But why is that the case? Have we been brainwashed by our families that it can never work? Is it our media that tells us that we are sell-outs if we switch over? Or is it the men of other races that are intimidated by us? Do they think that they don't have a chance so they never even try to pursue a relationship? I don't think women are usually the aggressors in starting a relationship, but maybe we're sending signals that that door isn't even cracked open. One of the directors at my job is an educated, successful black woman that I recently found out is married to a white man. It didn't change my opinion of her at all, but we live in Colorado and interracial marriages are commonplace and, from what I've seen, accepted without any real notice. When will the rest of America get with the program and stop seeing black women as belong with black men and vice versa across the board. Black women should look for love wherever it presents itself. I know it's a bit presumptuous of myself to think I can tell people where they should set their boundaries, but, seriously, take an honest look at yourself and make sure you aren't holding you back.
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